Invi(n)sible Without You.

I have to fight this; I have to beat this
I must move on; I must move
Forward.
Without you? Without you.
It will work to bury all parts
Of my old self
Put them away. Walk away.
And so
You are not there. Invisible.
As with myself; becoming invisible
Ignored.
Unaffected by.
And now
I have to train my eyes to see
Right through you. Right through you.
I have to train my mind
"No one's there. I don't care. No one's there."
Strength. Stubborn.
Possible! Watch me win.
I'll do better without you.
So
Moving on; moving forward
Without you?
Yes.
It's for the best.

Connect

Then it was all unknown to me
But piece by piece
You shaped my future
Things were set into motion
     Some had doubts about my heart
     Thinking "Was it possible? Will she ever?"
     Hope endured. Promise endured.
     By Your grace, I did. I came
And years later, I am learning more
You are letting me connect the dots
You are letting me connect to others
And I ask
     "Is it possible? Will they ever?"
     YES- I have hope. Your hope endures. It will not disappoint.
     I am filled
     Overflowing with joy at Your wonders
I request miracles
By Your grace I prosper
By Your grace I live, learn, and lead
And I beg
     Let them come.

Hiding In

An utterance of replacement
Of despair, nothing
Required voices of daily life
Do not satisfy
Hardly ever open
Teeth and tongue don't show
Through
Rarely is it I say insignificance
Rarely is insignificance
Not what is heard
Groanings and screechings
Of a concave heart
Are not wanted
Never accepting less than beautiful
I say myself I am not
Neither is that accepted
Out of pity
Still, this flesh
Disgusts me
Long days ache
Love around me
A friend, a hug, a father
Once
A family through glass
Whole
But for me
Lukewarm and pastel

Half a Day

Don't let go
Your arms around me
My head next to your heart
I never want to go

There's no one here
To hold me ever' day
To keep me near
Calm my fears

They call me beautiful
They call me special and loved
For half a day I'm safe
All the rest is null

Where is mine?
To tuck me in...
And love me as I grow.
There all the time?

Unconditionally and everyday
I guess it's not for me
I'll try to be content with
Once a week and half a day

But my heart screams
"IT'S NOT FAIR!
Why don't I get a daddy that cares?"
My head knows my heart is filled stupid dreams.

And stupid dreams eventually die.



(I would like to say that even though I know that God should be and is all I need, I wrote this because the longing for a real earthly father that loves me unconditionally (or at least one who slightly cares and would never hit me) breaks and breaks and breaks me every day.)

Remaking the Internal

Raging against
Who can say what
Full of regret
Wishing for love

Temptation came again
On yesterday's eve
To make a break in skin
Is where the devil leads

My pain is from my punishment
My sickness from my thoughts
There is not an argument
That makes me listen to the 'oughts'

My weakness's my own insanity
Full blown in my own mind
Where rationale and clarity
I rarely ever find

The reality comes in actions
Mostly boring and mundane
Lately I've chose, not infractions
But the right, good, and sane

And now the realization
Comes to a peak
I've got to change this season
If I'm going to find peace

The inside is home.
It's under construction.
If internally I roam
It will not be in destruction.

Memory Box

A box of memories
Is hard to put away
Now that I am free
I can finally say

I put them away Finally
I put them away Finally

The past is almost showing
What could've been content
But the day is slowly closing
The door to past regret

Love is never lost they say
That's not true
I chose to love a friend
And I lost you

First love never forgets
The raw and tender end
What was once complete
Can never again be friends