Cracking

Blood on my skin

Under my nails

Caving in, again

Jump over the moon, coiled, tense

Picking the cracked polish, dry skin

Can't stop crying

It's a fucked up thing

     To hate myself (because of someone else)

     To feel the past as if it's present

     To go to bed and wake up drunk

because it's too hard to close my eyes on my own

Caving In

My heart is caving in

My body, a punching bag

Numb and locked in my own head

No defense, fully immersed

     I should've been screaming

     No greater pain

     I should've said STOP

Where was my voice?

Where was my choice?

Too far gone for me to grasp

     I want my skin to scream for me

     I need a love to speak for me

     Release me from the REPLAY

     Of damaged, sick, dirty, used

     My fault

I'm caving in.

11-4-19

Keep fucking going

DO NOT FEAR I hear you say
But I'm not afraid! I'm overwhelmed and in pain!
Diving in to memories and emotions that flooded me then and still do- when I choose.
In part I'm reminding myself how it was to feel so completely out of control and unreachable.
Is this necessary to heal? I already know the answer.
But now I write and how long has it been? I think the words only flow right when they spill out of torment and pain.
(TORMENT may be a bit strong for the current situation, but in times past was completely accurate. Ok, and yes, I've glimpsed it recently.)
Realign creative strain, embrace pain, channel for gain.
I can do this again and do it the right way. It'll be more than I can bear- then step back, take a chair, open hands. Curl up, face down, ugly cry, let it out. Cry, cry out and be consumed by flames of grace. Wipe my face, run my race. Do it again.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Keep fucking going... Until the healing sets in.

Moments

There are moments of... why does he do this to me?
There are moments of... the uneasy calm before the storm.
There are moments of... waiting for the bomb to drop.
There are moments of... anger and chaos.
There are moments of confusion, hurt, and hopelessness.
There are moments of... what comes next?
There are moments of... I'm sorry's and forgiveness.
There are moments of... connection and understanding.
There are moments of... laughter and bonding.

There are moments of... kindness and acts of service.

There are moments of... love and bliss.
There are moments of... I want your baby and a ring.
There are moments of... unity and effort.
There are moments of... thankfulness.
There are moments of... unintentional hurts.
There are moments of... why does he do this to me?
There are moments of... the uneasy calm before the storm...

Mine

Standing
Unafraid
Back to back
And in parade
We are the ones
Who will survive
We will falter
But not lose sight.
You are my sun
My fierce desire
Burning bright
Wildfire
Strong arms, I'm safe
Strong heart, I'm loved
Almost can't take
Your overwhelming touch.
Breaking down
Walls and fears
You know my heart
You wipe my tears
You hold my dreams,
Keep them high
Heard my screams,
Heard me cry.
Safely held
We won't let go
And I think
I've always known
You are the one
Only meant for me
And I am yours
Eternally.

Linger

Keep me in your heart
I'll keep you in my eyes
I never see you anymore
You're too easily in mind

Glimpses every day
You keep me on the edge
Stop calling out my name
With voices in my head

I screamed I hate you
To no one but the air
I said Leave me alone
You're always, never there

Another One

Three sharp screams ripping from my throat
Short unrefined spasms
One.
Again.
Last time.
My voice catches
Heat floods my face
My body, drenched and cold.
Terror spreads
Head in hands
Heaving
Gasping
Fleeing.
Inconsolable weeping
Fighting for my sanity
Dying for clarity
Breaking down
Just plain losing it.
Denying
Retching
Seizing
Limp and spent
Thousands of missed connections fire.