Pleasure

My skin wants him

My body screaming for his

The brush of fingertips

An electric current of ecstasy

Squirm, gasp, a hitch in my breath

Barely more than a whisper

Pleasure builds in the anticipation

In the waiting for more

For strong, sure hands

For heat and closeness

For letting go

And looking into his eyes

Because he won't stop looking at me

And it seems like

He sees me

And that is the deepest pleasure of all.

Disintegrate

I'm a wreck

A wretch

I retch 

Spewing venom that I use to numb the pain

But it only causes more

Crying in bed in the middle of the day

Fantasizing that a little cut

Will help the pain go away

Here I go

Disintegrating

I hurt myself in so many ways

Acting out the hate inside

The pain that I've internalized

Throughout my life

I'll run away

Abandon myself

Before I let anyone else do it again

I reach out

Ask for help

Wear my heart on my sleeve

See it bleed?

But it's never enough

Maybe I want too much

I am too much

And not enough

The void is deep and wide

A cavernous ache inside

I am weak and needy

I'm breaking down

I don't want to drown

But I'm to tired to fight anymore

I surrender.

Let's Fight

I've been running from my pain

I've been pushing you away

I don't know when you're gonna

Take me seriously

You fill me up and let me down

Pull me in and let me drown

These waves keep crashing over me

Over my head I'm in too deep

You hold me close and let me go

I don't KNOW what I'm supposed to know

I think you're holding back

And I'm fed up with that

Come on, let's fight

Show me you care

enough to engage this war in my heart

I'm falling to pieces

I need to release this

Meet me here

A burning fire that's within

I want a fight but not a win

Let me wrestle with your light

Until it's all I see.

Prove your passion.

Fight for me,

Or fight me.

Just don't leave me alone in this fight with myself.

Thoughts

Umm, that doesn't look right...

Hey, do you see them?

I can't tell if they're moving

Are they turning too?

He should have waited! 

Wait...

Wait! Amadeus stop. STOP!

I'm hitting his back...

They don't see us!

Time crawls

I see glimpses of my life

Cravings for what my future could be

I am a deer in headlights

I can't close my eyes

One second before impact:

I'm not wearing a helmet.

I feel the jolt

I lean into Amadeus

I am flying

Instinct takes over

I cling to his back

Directing my body

I land on top of him

We fall

And break apart

I drag myself onto the grass

NICKI. NICKI! ARE YOU OK ARE YOU OK?!

I hear him distantly

My world goes black.

Close Call

Oh, I've tried

And I've failed

But now

I have one under my belt

You tried

You failed

You did not steal me away this time

I stood my ground

Stared you in the face

And refused to move

I was still.

My mind was screaming

My heart was beating 

     like a war drum in the first wave of battle

I watched

     with eyes wide open

As you drove your blade toward me

     a deadly blow

But I caught the cold steel in my hands

And held the point inches from my face

Eyes wide open. Staring into yours.

Until I thrust you away. And escaped.

It was a close call. 

Darling

I can't call you my baby

You don't belong to me

And you're not a baby anymore

But I want to hold you tight

My darling

My heart aches for you and what you've been through

Tears steam down my face

And I am filled with overwhelming awe

Inspired by your raw strength and vulnerability

Your transparency and authenticity in the midst of heartbreak and pain

I wish it didn't have to be this way

But the strength you've found inside of you

Has made you wise beyond your years

And I can't help but contemplate

How you've overcome your fears

You are perfect

You are beautiful

You are SO loved

I wish I could share my journey with you

Maybe someday you'll find solace in knowing you're not alone

But for now

I am honored

To witness your journey

Even from a distance

Even from the sidelines

I am cheering you on

Screaming my lungs out for you

With fierce pride and admiration

As you run your race

As you're finding your pace

And the strength to carry on

I don't think I've witnessed anything more beautiful...

And someday, these are the things I will say to you.

Hostage

I kept hoping I'd see you;

That you'd see me...

Pull over, tell me "Get in the fucking truck"

And I'd be free.

Because you see, I'm a hostage

Until it runs it's course

My disease is savage

Only the first course is willingly devoured

Then it turns on me

Turns me on

Turns me loose

I have no say

At least for a day

Or two

Or three

It turns on me

Eating me

Alive

Until sometimes I'd rather die

Than continue

So I escape in my head

With savior fantasies

Someone who cares enough to come for me

Who am I kidding no one's looking for me

But it's enough to get me through

To that next mind numbing hit

And the cycle's on repeat

Until I forfeit...

Go home, eat, sleep, cry

Ashamed I'm not strong enough to save myself

Wondering if someone else could...

But no one came to look for me

No one even tried.