Don't Stay

Mind reeling

Spinning

Thought I was winning

God I can't give in

Help me to finish

This day

The right way

End on a good note

Inject me with hope

More than hope, what I need

Is peace

Serenity

So I can stay me

And stay with the people that need me

I've come so far 

And I love being free

Do don't let me stay

In the place of ungrace

And the thoughts that tempt me to waste

Waste away

My mind

My days

My love

My grace

But my mind is in the grave

Taking my heart with it

It's sinking

Turning grey

Oh God

Don't let me stay.

Moshi

When I go to feed one cat, I see two bowls.

When I sit down when I get home, I think about how you pushed your way into my lap at every opportunity, digging your claws in to make sure you stayed there.

When I close the curtains at night, I remember how you sat looking out the window, parting them and letting in the city light. 

When I lay my body down to rest, the weight of your ghost curls up on my chest.

I miss you.

Safe Place

Hiding

Locked in the bathroom

In a doom scroll

On the verge of tears

Barely

Holding them back

With the screen in my hands

So much chaos

Disjointed murmurings in my head

It gets so loud sometimes

Almost audible gibbering monsters

Screaming in my ringing ears

That are encased in silence

And I can't move

From my position on the floor

Earlier my little me

Had me pick from a page of faces

Pictures of "WHAT AM I FEELING?"

I feel distracted

Overwhelmed

Like there are a million flies in my head

And I can't move

I can't think

I need quiet

I need to not be needed

I need to retreat like a wild Wolf

Licking my wounds

Burning them out with fever in the dark

But there is no place for my Wolf

There is no safe place for me

And these stolen moments are not enough

To keep me from breaking at the seams.

Pleasure

My skin wants him

My body screaming for his

The brush of fingertips

An electric current of ecstasy

Squirm, gasp, a hitch in my breath

Barely more than a whisper

Pleasure builds in the anticipation

In the waiting for more

For strong, sure hands

For heat and closeness

For letting go

And looking into his eyes

Because he won't stop looking at me

And it seems like

He sees me

And that is the deepest pleasure of all.

Disintegrate

I'm a wreck

A wretch

I retch 

Spewing venom that I use to numb the pain

But it only causes more

Crying in bed in the middle of the day

Fantasizing that a little cut

Will help the pain go away

Here I go

Disintegrating

I hurt myself in so many ways

Acting out the hate inside

The pain that I've internalized

Throughout my life

I'll run away

Abandon myself

Before I let anyone else do it again

I reach out

Ask for help

Wear my heart on my sleeve

See it bleed?

But it's never enough

Maybe I want too much

I am too much

And not enough

The void is deep and wide

A cavernous ache inside

I am weak and needy

I'm breaking down

I don't want to drown

But I'm to tired to fight anymore

I surrender.

Let's Fight

I've been running from my pain

I've been pushing you away

I don't know when you're gonna

Take me seriously

You fill me up and let me down

Pull me in and let me drown

These waves keep crashing over me

Over my head I'm in too deep

You hold me close and let me go

I don't KNOW what I'm supposed to know

I think you're holding back

And I'm fed up with that

Come on, let's fight

Show me you care

enough to engage this war in my heart

I'm falling to pieces

I need to release this

Meet me here

A burning fire that's within

I want a fight but not a win

Let me wrestle with your light

Until it's all I see.

Prove your passion.

Fight for me,

Or fight me.

Just don't leave me alone in this fight with myself.

Thoughts

Umm, that doesn't look right...

Hey, do you see them?

I can't tell if they're moving

Are they turning too?

He should have waited! 

Wait...

Wait! Amadeus stop. STOP!

I'm hitting his back...

They don't see us!

Time crawls

I see glimpses of my life

Cravings for what my future could be

I am a deer in headlights

I can't close my eyes

One second before impact:

I'm not wearing a helmet.

I feel the jolt

I lean into Amadeus

I am flying

Instinct takes over

I cling to his back

Directing my body

I land on top of him

We fall

And break apart

I drag myself onto the grass

NICKI. NICKI! ARE YOU OK ARE YOU OK?!

I hear him distantly

My world goes black.