Responsibility

There are so many different parts to me
Yet I feel continual change within
Round in a loop, not staying for long
Woe becomes a spark of joy so easily
Just as normalcy turns to panic
And my joy goes with it
     Not to sing, draw, read, write.
Panic is grief when thought
     How to be well for her?
Do I face it? Do I hide?
     Which will damage her least...
My heart hurts. This is a different kind of dread.
     A fear not for me.
How to uphold my privelage if I subject myself to torment.
Hide it.
For now.

Robin

A robin perches high in the rain
Swollen with baby robins
And she lets the rain sweep over her
Oblivious to the weather around her
She is content to be in the storm
Beautiful and calm, she stands in it
Unflinching.
I wish to be that robin
Able to weather my storms
With patience and humble beauty.
I will be that robin.

Morning

The sun rises against my window
It's early rays awaken my soul
And my nightly turmoil
Sees glimmers of hope
Hope for the new day,
For this day to be different
And I know that my choices this day
Will be my butterfly
Flying into my tomorrows
Affecting each moment.

Blind Faith

You blindly walk across the sand
Searching for a helping hand
But it is silent as can be
For those like you who cannot see

And outstretched hand picks you up
Gives you water from His cup
Then He leads you out of the rain
And you know that He can feel your pain

As you walk you realize
It's getting lighter in your eyes
A steady glow is everywhere
You blink and see that you are there

You see the cross upon a hill
You now live to do His will
He takes you back to where you were
Then He's gone and you are cured

After that you always find
He is with you in spirit and mind
And forever will He always be
Leading those who cannot see.

Catch

Internal pain overwhelms

I take it on myself

How else?

No release

I don't want to live

I can't breath

Where is my hero?

Who will save me 

From myself?

Why am I so alone?

I will be still and plead

Fight for me.

Pandora's Box

My anguish cries out
I can't do this anymore
Tested, tempted, tortured
Where is my release
Freedom?
Locked so deep within
I cannot delve
My very core
Afflicted
But without consciousness
Disgusted
With myself and others
I want to heal!
Give me my memories!

Alone

Uncertainty paralyzes me

I am frozen with knowledge

Of outcomes that may

Or may not

Come to pass

The realities are consuming

Ever-hungry

Overtaking

And the biggest question yet:

Can I do this alone?

I'm not alone; but I am.

Support is not experience

Sympathy is not understanding

I am alone.

The Place

Sleep, Sleep, they say

     But sleep brings no peace

Sleep, Sleep, they say

You'll feel better,

     I only feel terror and dirt and shame.

Eat, Eat, they say,

     I'll eat when I'm hungry but I never am

Eat, Eat, they say

You don't want to starve yourself,

     That's what you think.

Talk, Talk, they say

It will help...

     It only makes me hate myself more

Talk, Talk, they say

It will get better,

     Not better, I say

     Worse.

The Pit

The more I fight
The more I feel the ground I am standing on
Snatched out from underneath me
Replaced by the sands of an hourglass
Trapping me with invisible walls
Caged on all sides
And it's only a matter of time
Before the inevitable fall.
Lord, reach out your hand to me
Because the darkness is closing in again
And I'm starting to panic; I am terrified
Fearful of sinking to so many years ago
But not by any action of my own.
The darkness is swallowing me up
I've lost interest in my loves,
The things that form my joy.
Save me oh Lord! Don't let me be taken!
My heart beats quickly
Waiting anxiously and in terror
Until I can no longer see through the fog
Enveloping me like memories that I fear will replay.

Seasons (11-06-2009)

Summer fades into cool colors
As my affect goes down with the temperature
I begin to miss the sun
Whose warmth on my skin is a gentle embrace
When love is lacking all around me.
Now as the days get colder
I yearn for the warm light on my face
Like a lover spurned and forgotten
Like a child abandoned
I grasp onto every chance
To bask in rays of heat
To be gently touched.