A Little

I feel like I can breathe just a little bit easier

My hope's a little brighter

A little bit more fire in my chest

Today I'm a little more content

The fear is a little less

My night a little more peaceful

A little more food in my stomach

A little more calm in my mind

A little less racing heart and hyperventilating

Decreased a little in pain

Increased a little in faith and trust.

Just a little in all these things...

But a little is everything when I felt like I was drowning.

How to Help

This isn't poetry or flow but it goes with the last four posts. 

"I don't need to hear "God forgives you", or "You need to forgive yourself". That just reinforces the self-blame. I DO need to hear, over and over, as many times as necessary "It wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve that. What he did was wrong." etc.
I don't need to hear any version of "at least", or what to be grateful for, or how others have it worse. That invalidates my pain. I DO need to hear "It's ok to be confused. It's ok to grieve. It's ok to be struggling. It's ok to not be ok. It's ok to take your time. I'm here for you."
I don't need to hear "You're strong" or "you're fine" or "you'll be ok." Because I'm very much NOT right now. I do need to hear "You are brave. You are loved. You have my support. You deserve to heal."

Rest

I am not hopeless

But sometimes (often) I feel helpless

Small, weak, and powerless

I've been holding my breath

Holding fear in my chest

Trying to hold myself together

Through all of this is exhausting

I need to rest

If I just let go

And fall apart for a moment

Can I rest? 

Is it ok to stop fighting

Just for a moment

And surrender

To my pain and weakness?

Please give me rest.

Rape

Words have so much power

I hate that word

Rape

I want to take away its power

The conflict of fear and craving a comforting touch

Because sometimes words alone are not enough to overpower that word

Rape

I want to forget what it means

Memories of the pain still cause physical discomfort and mental agony

Rape

I want to make that word go away and never have to say it again

But my time with it is unfinished and ignoring it won't help

Rape

I wrestle and grapple with it but it continues to take me down and take me under

Rape

It takes me out of my sleep at night and away from the present when I'm awake

Rape

No way to fight, no defense against this overwhelming powerful word.

Cracking

Blood on my skin

Under my nails

Caving in, again

Jump over the moon, coiled, tense

Picking the cracked polish, dry skin

Can't stop crying

It's a fucked up thing

     To hate myself (because of someone else)

     To feel the past as if it's present

     To go to bed and wake up drunk

because it's too hard to close my eyes on my own

Caving In

My heart is caving in

My body, a punching bag

Numb and locked in my own head

No defense, fully immersed

     I should've been screaming

     No greater pain

     I should've said STOP

Where was my voice?

Where was my choice?

Too far gone for me to grasp

     I want my skin to scream for me

     I need a love to speak for me

     Release me from the REPLAY

     Of damaged, sick, dirty, used

     My fault

I'm caving in.

11-4-19

Keep fucking going

DO NOT FEAR I hear you say
But I'm not afraid! I'm overwhelmed and in pain!
Diving in to memories and emotions that flooded me then and still do- when I choose.
In part I'm reminding myself how it was to feel so completely out of control and unreachable.
Is this necessary to heal? I already know the answer.
But now I write and how long has it been? I think the words only flow right when they spill out of torment and pain.
(TORMENT may be a bit strong for the current situation, but in times past was completely accurate. Ok, and yes, I've glimpsed it recently.)
Realign creative strain, embrace pain, channel for gain.
I can do this again and do it the right way. It'll be more than I can bear- then step back, take a chair, open hands. Curl up, face down, ugly cry, let it out. Cry, cry out and be consumed by flames of grace. Wipe my face, run my race. Do it again.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Keep fucking going... Until the healing sets in.