Hostage

I kept hoping I'd see you;

That you'd see me...

Pull over, tell me "Get in the fucking truck"

And I'd be free.

Because you see, I'm a hostage

Until it runs it's course

My disease is savage

Only the first course is willingly devoured

Then it turns on me

Turns me on

Turns me loose

I have no say

At least for a day

Or two

Or three

It turns on me

Eating me

Alive

Until sometimes I'd rather die

Than continue

So I escape in my head

With savior fantasies

Someone who cares enough to come for me

Who am I kidding no one's looking for me

But it's enough to get me through

To that next mind numbing hit

And the cycle's on repeat

Until I forfeit...

Go home, eat, sleep, cry

Ashamed I'm not strong enough to save myself

Wondering if someone else could...

But no one came to look for me

No one even tried. 

Almost Home

Every nerve screaming.

Exhausted. Starving.

I hate myself.

Ashamed and misrepresented

I swear I'm losing my mind

Seeing and hearing echos of things that aren't

Bite my tongue. Clench my teeth.

Shaking.

The closer I get to home the heavier I feel.

Every step slower.

Defeated. 

Will the door be locked?

Did I really blow it this time?

The dread

Of what will happen 

when I go in 

fights against 

the overwhelming hunger 

and need for sleep.

36 hours without either.

How many times do I have to

Choose this hell

To realize

It's not the road i want to walk-

Then actually choose a different road?

When will I be done with this? 

Yet I Will Trust You

I am angry. Yet I will trust You.

I have questions that don't seem to have answers. Yet I will trust You.

I feel lonely and alone. Yet I will trust you.

I feel broken and defeated. Yet I will trust You.

I have fears and doubts. Yet I will trust You.

I am ashamed and guilty. Yet I will trust You.

I feel unloved and unlovable. Yet I will trust You.

I am small and weak. Yet I will trust You.

I don't know what the future holds. Yet I will trust You.

When I am surrounded by darkness, and demons are battling for my mind, I will whisper into the void:

I trust a light I cannot see

And a love I cannot feel.

Because what else is there for me to do?

I will trust you. 

Again

Raw staccato screams echo from the past

Loud enough to make me cringe and whimper

Flashes of pain that I can't fend off

Flinching from the invisible assault

Get out of my head!

I don't want to do it again!

And again.

And again.

Fighting with everything I have

To never go back

But it comes to me to take me there

Again.

A Little

I feel like I can breathe just a little bit easier

My hope's a little brighter

A little bit more fire in my chest

Today I'm a little more content

The fear is a little less

My night a little more peaceful

A little more food in my stomach

A little more calm in my mind

A little less racing heart and hyperventilating

Decreased a little in pain

Increased a little in faith and trust.

Just a little in all these things...

But a little is everything when I felt like I was drowning.

How to Help

This isn't poetry or flow but it goes with the last four posts. 

"I don't need to hear "God forgives you", or "You need to forgive yourself". That just reinforces the self-blame. I DO need to hear, over and over, as many times as necessary "It wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve that. What he did was wrong." etc.
I don't need to hear any version of "at least", or what to be grateful for, or how others have it worse. That invalidates my pain. I DO need to hear "It's ok to be confused. It's ok to grieve. It's ok to be struggling. It's ok to not be ok. It's ok to take your time. I'm here for you."
I don't need to hear "You're strong" or "you're fine" or "you'll be ok." Because I'm very much NOT right now. I do need to hear "You are brave. You are loved. You have my support. You deserve to heal."

Rest

I am not hopeless

But sometimes (often) I feel helpless

Small, weak, and powerless

I've been holding my breath

Holding fear in my chest

Trying to hold myself together

Through all of this is exhausting

I need to rest

If I just let go

And fall apart for a moment

Can I rest? 

Is it ok to stop fighting

Just for a moment

And surrender

To my pain and weakness?

Please give me rest.