Thoughts

Umm, that doesn't look right...

Hey, do you see them?

I can't tell if they're moving

Are they turning too?

He should have waited! 

Wait...

Wait! Amadeus stop. STOP!

I'm hitting his back...

They don't see us!

Time crawls

I see glimpses of my life

Cravings for what my future could be

I am a deer in headlights

I can't close my eyes

One second before impact:

I'm not wearing a helmet.

I feel the jolt

I lean into Amadeus

I am flying

Instinct takes over

I cling to his back

Directing my body

I land on top of him

We fall

And break apart

I drag myself onto the grass

NICKI. NICKI! ARE YOU OK ARE YOU OK?!

I hear him distantly

My world goes black.

Close Call

Oh, I've tried

And I've failed

But now

I have one under my belt

You tried

You failed

You did not steal me away this time

I stood my ground

Stared you in the face

And refused to move

I was still.

My mind was screaming

My heart was beating 

     like a war drum in the first wave of battle

I watched

     with eyes wide open

As you drove your blade toward me

     a deadly blow

But I caught the cold steel in my hands

And held the point inches from my face

Eyes wide open. Staring into yours.

Until I thrust you away. And escaped.

It was a close call. 

Darling

I can't call you my baby

You don't belong to me

And you're not a baby anymore

But I want to hold you tight

My darling

My heart aches for you and what you've been through

Tears steam down my face

And I am filled with overwhelming awe

Inspired by your raw strength and vulnerability

Your transparency and authenticity in the midst of heartbreak and pain

I wish it didn't have to be this way

But the strength you've found inside of you

Has made you wise beyond your years

And I can't help but contemplate

How you've overcome your fears

You are perfect

You are beautiful

You are SO loved

I wish I could share my journey with you

Maybe someday you'll find solace in knowing you're not alone

But for now

I am honored

To witness your journey

Even from a distance

Even from the sidelines

I am cheering you on

Screaming my lungs out for you

With fierce pride and admiration

As you run your race

As you're finding your pace

And the strength to carry on

I don't think I've witnessed anything more beautiful...

And someday, these are the things I will say to you.

Hostage

I kept hoping I'd see you;

That you'd see me...

Pull over, tell me "Get in the fucking truck"

And I'd be free.

Because you see, I'm a hostage

Until it runs it's course

My disease is savage

Only the first course is willingly devoured

Then it turns on me

Turns me on

Turns me loose

I have no say

At least for a day

Or two

Or three

It turns on me

Eating me

Alive

Until sometimes I'd rather die

Than continue

So I escape in my head

With savior fantasies

Someone who cares enough to come for me

Who am I kidding no one's looking for me

But it's enough to get me through

To that next mind numbing hit

And the cycle's on repeat

Until I forfeit...

Go home, eat, sleep, cry

Ashamed I'm not strong enough to save myself

Wondering if someone else could...

But no one came to look for me

No one even tried. 

Almost Home

Every nerve screaming.

Exhausted. Starving.

I hate myself.

Ashamed and misrepresented

I swear I'm losing my mind

Seeing and hearing echos of things that aren't

Bite my tongue. Clench my teeth.

Shaking.

The closer I get to home the heavier I feel.

Every step slower.

Defeated. 

Will the door be locked?

Did I really blow it this time?

The dread

Of what will happen 

when I go in 

fights against 

the overwhelming hunger 

and need for sleep.

36 hours without either.

How many times do I have to

Choose this hell

To realize

It's not the road i want to walk-

Then actually choose a different road?

When will I be done with this? 

Yet I Will Trust You

I am angry. Yet I will trust You.

I have questions that don't seem to have answers. Yet I will trust You.

I feel lonely and alone. Yet I will trust you.

I feel broken and defeated. Yet I will trust You.

I have fears and doubts. Yet I will trust You.

I am ashamed and guilty. Yet I will trust You.

I feel unloved and unlovable. Yet I will trust You.

I am small and weak. Yet I will trust You.

I don't know what the future holds. Yet I will trust You.

When I am surrounded by darkness, and demons are battling for my mind, I will whisper into the void:

I trust a light I cannot see

And a love I cannot feel.

Because what else is there for me to do?

I will trust you. 

Again

Raw staccato screams echo from the past

Loud enough to make me cringe and whimper

Flashes of pain that I can't fend off

Flinching from the invisible assault

Get out of my head!

I don't want to do it again!

And again.

And again.

Fighting with everything I have

To never go back

But it comes to me to take me there

Again.