Don't Stay

Mind reeling

Spinning

Thought I was winning

God I can't give in

Help me to finish

This day

The right way

End on a good note

Inject me with hope

More than hope, what I need

Is peace

Serenity

So I can stay me

And stay with the people that need me

I've come so far 

And I love being free

Do don't let me stay

In the place of ungrace

And the thoughts that tempt me to waste

Waste away

My mind

My days

My love

My grace

But my mind is in the grave

Taking my heart with it

It's sinking

Turning grey

Oh God

Don't let me stay.

Moshi

When I go to feed one cat, I see two bowls.

When I sit down when I get home, I think about how you pushed your way into my lap at every opportunity, digging your claws in to make sure you stayed there.

When I close the curtains at night, I remember how you sat looking out the window, parting them and letting in the city light. 

When I lay my body down to rest, the weight of your ghost curls up on my chest.

I miss you.

Safe Place

Hiding

Locked in the bathroom

In a doom scroll

On the verge of tears

Barely

Holding them back

With the screen in my hands

So much chaos

Disjointed murmurings in my head

It gets so loud sometimes

Almost audible gibbering monsters

Screaming in my ringing ears

That are encased in silence

And I can't move

From my position on the floor

Earlier my little me

Had me pick from a page of faces

Pictures of "WHAT AM I FEELING?"

I feel distracted

Overwhelmed

Like there are a million flies in my head

And I can't move

I can't think

I need quiet

I need to not be needed

I need to retreat like a wild Wolf

Licking my wounds

Burning them out with fever in the dark

But there is no place for my Wolf

There is no safe place for me

And these stolen moments are not enough

To keep me from breaking at the seams.

Pleasure

My skin wants him

My body screaming for his

The brush of fingertips

An electric current of ecstasy

Squirm, gasp, a hitch in my breath

Barely more than a whisper

Pleasure builds in the anticipation

In the waiting for more

For strong, sure hands

For heat and closeness

For letting go

And looking into his eyes

Because he won't stop looking at me

And it seems like

He sees me

And that is the deepest pleasure of all.

Disintegrate

I'm a wreck

A wretch

I retch 

Spewing venom that I use to numb the pain

But it only causes more

Crying in bed in the middle of the day

Fantasizing that a little cut

Will help the pain go away

Here I go

Disintegrating

I hurt myself in so many ways

Acting out the hate inside

The pain that I've internalized

Throughout my life

I'll run away

Abandon myself

Before I let anyone else do it again

I reach out

Ask for help

Wear my heart on my sleeve

See it bleed?

But it's never enough

Maybe I want too much

I am too much

And not enough

The void is deep and wide

A cavernous ache inside

I am weak and needy

I'm breaking down

I don't want to drown

But I'm to tired to fight anymore

I surrender.

Let's Fight

I've been running from my pain

I've been pushing you away

I don't know when you're gonna

Take me seriously

You fill me up and let me down

Pull me in and let me drown

These waves keep crashing over me

Over my head I'm in too deep

You hold me close and let me go

I don't KNOW what I'm supposed to know

I think you're holding back

And I'm fed up with that

Come on, let's fight

Show me you care

enough to engage this war in my heart

I'm falling to pieces

I need to release this

Meet me here

A burning fire that's within

I want a fight but not a win

Let me wrestle with your light

Until it's all I see.

Prove your passion.

Fight for me,

Or fight me.

Just don't leave me alone in this fight with myself.

Thoughts

Umm, that doesn't look right...

Hey, do you see them?

I can't tell if they're moving

Are they turning too?

He should have waited! 

Wait...

Wait! Amadeus stop. STOP!

I'm hitting his back...

They don't see us!

Time crawls

I see glimpses of my life

Cravings for what my future could be

I am a deer in headlights

I can't close my eyes

One second before impact:

I'm not wearing a helmet.

I feel the jolt

I lean into Amadeus

I am flying

Instinct takes over

I cling to his back

Directing my body

I land on top of him

We fall

And break apart

I drag myself onto the grass

NICKI. NICKI! ARE YOU OK ARE YOU OK?!

I hear him distantly

My world goes black.

Close Call

Oh, I've tried

And I've failed

But now

I have one under my belt

You tried

You failed

You did not steal me away this time

I stood my ground

Stared you in the face

And refused to move

I was still.

My mind was screaming

My heart was beating 

     like a war drum in the first wave of battle

I watched

     with eyes wide open

As you drove your blade toward me

     a deadly blow

But I caught the cold steel in my hands

And held the point inches from my face

Eyes wide open. Staring into yours.

Until I thrust you away. And escaped.

It was a close call. 

Darling

I can't call you my baby

You don't belong to me

And you're not a baby anymore

But I want to hold you tight

My darling

My heart aches for you and what you've been through

Tears steam down my face

And I am filled with overwhelming awe

Inspired by your raw strength and vulnerability

Your transparency and authenticity in the midst of heartbreak and pain

I wish it didn't have to be this way

But the strength you've found inside of you

Has made you wise beyond your years

And I can't help but contemplate

How you've overcome your fears

You are perfect

You are beautiful

You are SO loved

I wish I could share my journey with you

Maybe someday you'll find solace in knowing you're not alone

But for now

I am honored

To witness your journey

Even from a distance

Even from the sidelines

I am cheering you on

Screaming my lungs out for you

With fierce pride and admiration

As you run your race

As you're finding your pace

And the strength to carry on

I don't think I've witnessed anything more beautiful...

And someday, these are the things I will say to you.

Hostage

I kept hoping I'd see you;

That you'd see me...

Pull over, tell me "Get in the fucking truck"

And I'd be free.

Because you see, I'm a hostage

Until it runs it's course

My disease is savage

Only the first course is willingly devoured

Then it turns on me

Turns me on

Turns me loose

I have no say

At least for a day

Or two

Or three

It turns on me

Eating me

Alive

Until sometimes I'd rather die

Than continue

So I escape in my head

With savior fantasies

Someone who cares enough to come for me

Who am I kidding no one's looking for me

But it's enough to get me through

To that next mind numbing hit

And the cycle's on repeat

Until I forfeit...

Go home, eat, sleep, cry

Ashamed I'm not strong enough to save myself

Wondering if someone else could...

But no one came to look for me

No one even tried. 

Almost Home

Every nerve screaming.

Exhausted. Starving.

I hate myself.

Ashamed and misrepresented

I swear I'm losing my mind

Seeing and hearing echos of things that aren't

Bite my tongue. Clench my teeth.

Shaking.

The closer I get to home the heavier I feel.

Every step slower.

Defeated. 

Will the door be locked?

Did I really blow it this time?

The dread

Of what will happen 

when I go in 

fights against 

the overwhelming hunger 

and need for sleep.

36 hours without either.

How many times do I have to

Choose this hell

To realize

It's not the road i want to walk-

Then actually choose a different road?

When will I be done with this? 

Yet I Will Trust You

I am angry. Yet I will trust You.

I have questions that don't seem to have answers. Yet I will trust You.

I feel lonely and alone. Yet I will trust you.

I feel broken and defeated. Yet I will trust You.

I have fears and doubts. Yet I will trust You.

I am ashamed and guilty. Yet I will trust You.

I feel unloved and unlovable. Yet I will trust You.

I am small and weak. Yet I will trust You.

I don't know what the future holds. Yet I will trust You.

When I am surrounded by darkness, and demons are battling for my mind, I will whisper into the void:

I trust a light I cannot see

And a love I cannot feel.

Because what else is there for me to do?

I will trust you. 

Again

Raw staccato screams echo from the past

Loud enough to make me cringe and whimper

Flashes of pain that I can't fend off

Flinching from the invisible assault

Get out of my head!

I don't want to do it again!

And again.

And again.

Fighting with everything I have

To never go back

But it comes to me to take me there

Again.